OFF: [road skills]

Having experienced the roads of Greece on two motorised wheels in a previous blog post (and in real life) I decided to learn some skills with the official sounding BMW Powered Off Road Skills organisation somwehere near Port Talbot by taking the Level One "trash our bikes ££ weekend course".  Naturally it mostly rained but this gave experience on Somme like trench warfare.

Of note the famous stand up comedian Ross Noble participated but the real amusement came from the less notable participants (note that for legal reasons I'm not using the real names except for Ross Noble, Simon Pavey and Jenny).

Bikes are supplied - anything GS available. When trashed a white van appears with another one.

Introductory briefing t the centre by the ever attentive and unflappable Simon Pavey. Training takes place 5 miles away on the private 4000 acre Walters Arena.

I am allocated a BMW G650 Sertao number 26.

Refuelling 40 bikes on the way to the training grounds - I don't think that puddle is petrol - more probably diesel.

Initial training is carried out at the sports arena - spot the TV celeb: Ross Noble is the scruffy filthy one: he was the professional stand up comedian - the rest of us were doing it to look good...

How to pick up a GS and look for a lost contact lens at the same time.

It's a matter of leverage, no brute strength required at all.

This is Jenny demonstrating the off road pose - main advantage it looks cool, but one can see further and allegedly control the machine better. Jenny was rather cool too.

Stand up comedians slalom riding on the arena - one of these tedious and pointless exercises that one is made to perform as amusement to others.

Kev and Jenny - instructors for the weekend for the cowards group (i.e.my group).  Following the arena we were taken to surrounding forest fire roads and rutted tracks for real off road riding.

This ordeal is the emergency stopping on a hill trick - the scrub at the bottom is the catchment area.

Back at the centre after day 1.....

Day 2 became quite eventful.  The ambulance only had to come once and that was to remove Jane to casualty - quite how she destroyed herself and a motorbike within 10 yards of exiting a track between 2 rocks at walking pace defeats me.  Francois who had confused the front brake with the rear brake on day 1 and had  performed a spectacular high side wipe out  carried on with day 2 under the heavy influence of ibuprofen and Cabernet Sauvignon .  Terry managed to perform a perfect 90 degree turn out of a deep muddy rut and rode into a bush at high speed. I spoke to Ross Noble.

I fell off once only whilst performing my interpretation of the momentum exercise:  this involves ascending a steep bank using momentum only and stopping on the top.  I managed the first bit to a degree but forgot to apply the brakes and rolled backwards down the bank again arriving in a heap at the bottom. 

I return the machine dirty but whole - unlike others.

Special Welsh mud proves impossible to remove!

P.S  Don't try this at home: