Der Schraubenkrieg von Knutsford (2008-2008)

Thomas Cook

Homeward bound and I look forward to onboard indigestible shepherds pie and a 25C reduction in temperature. on landing. But I lie - I had pre-ordered the vegetarian food - a tasty spinach pasta dish as it turned out. My temperature prediction, however, proved to be correct.

How did we do?

I don't care to fill in questionnaires at the best of times and this was not the best time sitting at the back of a bouncy coach heading towards Sharm El Costa Brava airport. The lady in front had written that the shower curtains were inadequate. Doubtless this will send shivers down the Thomas Cook executive board.

Failure of Fish Scaring Device (3)

This is the rarely sighted but much sought after Pizza fish - it makes a welcome change from being served up with pilaf with fragments of highly masticatable goat meat.

Failure of Fish Scaring Device (2)

This is a stone fish - a nasty creature that can inject its pray with a highly toxic version of arabic coffee - causes near immediate gut and colon evacuation.

Go Turkish

The ability to make Turkish coffee aka Greek coffee post Cyprus invasion (see also Turkish "Delight" crown extracting substance), has been imported to the Sinai peninsular in advance of the espresso machine. Best to order medium sweet to ensure palatibility.

Failure of Fish Scaring Device (1)

Most of my attempts at underwater photography resemble a frantic scene of me chasing wildly after fleeing fish. Not so around the reefs of Dahab - the fish are far too stupid - that's why most of them end up on ice.

Guided Tour

Let's face it, being led around like sheep underwater is one thing, but this guided walk from the Blue Hole to El Bell wearing weight scuba gear is something else.

Why Bother?

Why bother donning all that heavy scuba diving equipment when you can see the pretty fish on ice with vegetable garnish 100m down (I mean along) the corniche?

Mountain Biking Hell

So we just hang a right past Masbat and proceed up a sandy track.....oh yeah Isaac? The Camels Hump ride - 10 miles before breakfast - where is the verb?

Traffic Problems in Dahab

...ah, but no enforcement cameras yet.
The Mayor of Masbat, Ken el Leninspart Bin Liner, has clearly not foreseen the arrival of a coach load of Nielson eco friendly camel loving lycra clad luvlys like us.

Thanks ECCO

I can't express my gratitude in any other way than to purchase your shoes in my size!

Very Troublesome Badgers Poke Squirrels?

We are taught this as the essence of the new windsurfing...... In my days it was "apply mast foot pressure and stick your arse in!"

Arrival Pyre

No this is not the customary slaughter of a goat to honour my arrival at the Coralia Club, rather anti-mosquito fumigation using napalm by the look of it.

True Comfort

Notwithstanding the caffeine depletion I am able to stretch my legs for a few brief minutes on the 5 hour flight - then the fat lady in front of me deposits her mindless clutter of beauty bags and Hello magazines on my feet. Don't you realise dear that by buying this stuff at Gatwick you are lining the pockets of the BAA monopoly?

Still Getting There

I don't function well in the mornings: I need coffee. The flight shows every sign of being on-time despite the virtual efficiency of the monopolistic BAA airport operator. The queue for Costa coffee is moving at one customer per 5 minutes. There are 10 people waiting - that makes 50 minutes. Forget it. Yes we have no coffee.

Getting There

I take my shoes off for the great and monolpolistic BAA for shifting the queues at Gatwick airport from the security screening process to the buying something for the flight sub-process aka W H Smith - truly a triumph of PR: 2 minutes through the X-ray scanner and 35 minutes to purchase some bonbons for the long journey to Sharm El Sheik El Costa de Brava.